Lesbian Visibility Day — The Best and Worst Parts of Being Lesbian

Happy Lesbian Visibility Day! As we are spending this week talking about all the subjects and issues surrounding lesbians, we thought it’s only right to find out the best and worst parts of being lesbian from the people who identify as such. What is beautiful about the answers we have is that a lot of them have common points, but they are diverse in experiences, as is our community.

Prepare for laughs, tears, and unwavering pride.

The first day of spring after a long winter

I’ve taken a long time to accept I was a lesbian. Deep in my heart, I knew I did not see men the same way I perceived women, but because of the lack of experience in my teenage years, I couldn’t be sure. It’s only when I started dating men that I realised what I was supposed to feel was not there — instead the feeling was replaced by the sensation of suffocating. Whenever a man was romantic with me, I wanted to run away. I had this anxiety in my chest that I couldn’t get rid of, but I blamed it on being shy and inexperienced. Slowly, I started to realise it was more than that. Comparing how I felt towards men, with how I felt towards women, the evidence was clear. I started identified as a lesbian at the age of twenty-two, and although there are highs and lows in my journey, I wouldn’t change who I am. Being lesbian feels like the first day of spring after a long winter. There is warmth, and there are flowers blooming, and breathing in the air doesn’t hurt your lungs anymore.

I struggle most with constantly feeling like I have to prove myself to others. Since I’ve figured out my identity later, people tend to remind me I’ve dated men, I’ve kissed men, as if that would change anything. I feel as if I have to work double time to prove people I am who I say I am, because of my past and because of my own definition of lesbianism. Being invalidated constantly and having people are always question my identity makes me angry and sad, as if I’m not good enough to fit into their box.

Vonnie, Belgium

Being a lesbian saved my life

I think there’s a kind of common experience for lesbians who’ve had many relationships with men before coming out, but lesbianism has genuinely redefined my idea of what love and sex are. I genuinely thought I was asexual before I met my girlfriend and I was kind of playing pretend, and hated every moment of any kind of intimacy (including holiding hands). There’s like an entire array of options I literally never considered. I’m still learning that PDA and hanging out at friends’ houses isn’t actually going to destroy my life. I know that if I had stuck with dating men I would have felt nothing but guilt and shame for the rest of my life, and I think being a lesbian saved my life. Women and other sapphic related people are genuinely some of the nicest and most understanding people. I think the best thing about being lesbian is the lesbians.

The superiority complex of “gold star lesbians” is one of the worst parts. They are doing nothing but reframing purity culture in a way that is so demeaning and disturbing to not only trans people, but everyone. Making your lesbianism to be “purer” than others who have slept with men and everyone they consider a man is not it. Besides being transphobic, racist and invalidating, it’s also discriminatory in general. It invalidates thousands of lesbians who are sex workers and have no other choice.

Barbie, United Kingdom

I’d take this love over anything else the world has to offer

I’m so happy I’m lesbian. Figuring it out was the toughest but most rewarding thing ever. People say that it’s about the climb, but when it comes to being queer, the view is pretty damn worth it too. My favourite thing is all the love I get to experience, like all the aspects of being a woman with my girlfriend. There’s also a sense of community that comes with it; music, literature, concerts, etc.

Stereotypes can be harmful, but they can also be used in a harmless way. I’d probably say I have concerns for my safety. Asking questions like “can we travel to that country safely” or giving my partner the look when we know to stop holding hands. It’s disheartening, but, at the end of the day, I’d take this love and everything that comes with it over anything else the world has to offer.

Mia, The Netherlands

I feel genuinely loved and cared for by my partner

The best part about being a lesbian is having more chances to be loved by people who share the same experiences tied to your identity.

However, the worst part is when you feel like your love is only aesthetic to others. Society can make you feel like your identity only serves as a fetish fantasy for men, or as a way for straight women to get male validation. It’s frustrating and depressing when I think about the fact my partner and I won’t be taken as seriously as a heterosexual couple.

Marine, Belgium

A mutual deep understanding of each other

How easy it is to connect to other sapphics. I’ve never really held onto a straight girl friend except for maybe a few childhood friends, but the sapphic/queer/lesbian/women-loving-women I’ve met, I’m immediately attached to them. We get along so well and it’s not always in a romantic way, but there’s just something about two sapphic women that have a mutual deep understanding of each other.

The worst is definitely when men find out I’m a lesbian. There was this one time where my former co-worker (married, with children) kept hitting on me and when I told him to stop, he said that he fantasised about me and his wife getting it on in front of him. Just the way a lot of straight men fetishise lesbianism. It’s “gross” and “not normal” for men to love other men, but when a woman loves another woman, it’s hot and sexy and profitable to them. The highest searched category in porn in the US is lesbian/bisexual women in orgies and threesomes. It’s despicable. I’ve never had a straight woman or a gay man hit on me for being a lesbian. Only straight men.

Nova, United States

Being a lesbian is beautiful

Loving women is the best part. Women are so beautiful, so kind, so sweet, they are everything. The community too, the support between lesbians is amazing. It’s a feeling that I cannot describe, but being a lesbian is beautiful, because loving a woman is beautiful.

Homophobia is the worst thing for me. Because sometimes we can’t tell the people we love that we love women, and that we’re never going to love a man. It’s really difficult because sometimes the people that are close to us ask us some questions like “when will you bring home a man” and you’re embarrassed because you can’t say to them that you love women, so you have to say “I don’t know”. Another thing is sometimes women are not as kind as society thinks women are. Some girls have really toxic behaviours, and it’s normalised because “a woman cannot do that” and “women are so nice”, etc. I love women because of their sweetness but sometimes, some women are bad people and it’s important invalidate someone’s feelings about a certain woman.

Nour, Belgium

A whole community of incredible people

Lesbians amongst each other are usually super sweet. It’s not like with a boy/girl where you’re expected to be a couple. With lesbians, you kind of become friends instantly. So many of my close friends are lesbians or at least sapphics, and it’s so nice to have people that understand you without the pressure to be with them. There’s just a whole community of incredible people who can often relate to you and are ready to support you at any time. I’ve met so many friends on Tinder by now and it’s never been awkward if things didn’t turn into a relationship and we became friends instead.

The worst part is the breakups. I’m sorry, it’s such a horrible stereotype that lesbians stay friends after they break up, it makes you feel almost guilty when you don’t like your ex as a friend anymore. I’ve dated some bad people, I don’t wish to be friends with them anymore, and some people don’t seem to be able to grasp that.

Char, Belgium

Such a lovely and comfortable place to be

In my experience, the best part about being a lesbian is my world revolving around women. Obviously being a woman means that I understand the ins and outs of a woman, but somehow, being a lesbian taught me even more. Women are so soft, and being in love with a woman and interacting with other women makes life so much more enjoyable. We’re a community in our own and it’s such a lovely and comfortable place to be.

I don’t know if I have a negative part about being a lesbian. There’s nothing wrong with it, and never have I experienced anything to make me feel that way. I think the most negative thing about it isn’t about being a lesbian, but more so around the LGBTQ+ community, which everyone knows about, and the stigma around the word “lesbian” for years. I’m almost four years into my relationship, I’ve lived with my girlfriend on our own for two years now, yet I’m still afraid to show her affection outside of our home. But again, that lies in homophobia rather than anything revolving around being a lesbian. However, regarding the stigma, I hated calling myself lesbian. I’d rather stick with queer, or gay. Sapphic, even. But there’s so much love and support now that I’m proud to say so and let myself belong with others.

Ashley, United States

To conclude this article as we approach the end of Lesbian Visibility Week, there are a few points that stand out. A lot of struggles come from the way we are perceived. That’s either being disgraced or sexualised by people outside the community. Within the community, the source of the issue is mostly transphobia. Remember lesbians aren’t necessarily women, or only attracted to women. Trans and non-binary people have been always part of our history. Being discriminatory won’t do anything except reveal you as judgmental. We, as a community, need to stop the fight between who can and can’t be a lesbian. Let’s, instead, focus on fighting the stigma around our identity.

Despite everything, we all agree being a lesbian is beautiful. The love we share for each other, whether it’s platonic or romantic, is unlike anything else. There is an understanding between lesbians and sapphics that goes beyond what we express in words. To have each other’s support is what makes the struggles we go through feel manageable. Figuring out your identity is a process that differs from one lesbian to another, but once you do accept who you are, you’ll notice the world takes on brighter colors. The bad parts fade away as the kaleidoscope is illuminated by the lightness of being a lesbian.

Check out our other articles about Lesbian Visibility Week over here, and keep your eyes peeled for the next articles, because the week isn’t over!

Photography: @vontographie