Life In Black and White: My BPD Story

*TW: Discussions of mental health, personality disorder, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc.

Today, March 2nd 2023, is World Teen Mental Wellness day. And I’m here to share my story. As a teenager, I was overwhelmed with mental health struggles and felt like I was constantly grasping for air, constantly looking for some kind of relief. If my teenage self had been able to hear a story like this, I think she would see some kind of hope. I’m sharing this story today because I believe in hope and I believe in creating a safer and more open conversation about mental health.

Life as A Kid and Teenager

I’d like to preface this by saying I had a beautiful childhood. I was blessed with so many opportunities and had a wonderful upbringing. The outcome of my mental health is no reflection of my family or upbringing, but more the way my brain responded to otherwise normal situations.

As cliche as it may sound, I always remember myself struggling mentally ever since I was a young kid. I worried about things other kids my age couldn’t care less about, I overthought every scenario, and always had severe self doubts. It only got worse as I got older. I was riddled with anxiety and, in fact, labelled the ‘shy kid’ at school. It was much more than that.

My mental health only continued to deteriorate, leading to me seeing a therapist at the age of 12 in 2011. After various sessions, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at this point. They believed the anxiety had begun when I was 7 and the depression came a few years after. When I was 7, my family moved to a brand new country. Whilst I am so grateful for the most amazing multi-cultural, diverse and unlikely childhood, it was recognised that this move was the start of it all. It’s funny, though. None of my siblings felt like this, it was just me.

To be honest, a lot of my teenage years are a blur. I think it’s because it is where my personality disorder really started to develop and I’ve blocked it out. You know how most of us can remember stuff from school? Time with friends? Funny memories? I really don’t have many of those. I’ll try my best to recap how the depression side of everything played out. I won’t go into insane detail, as it’s very personal and complex, but here we go.

(tw: talk of suicidal thoughts and self-harm coming next, skip to My Diagnosis section if you need to)

Like I mentioned, at 12, I was diagnosed with depression on top of the anxiety. I began self-harming around that age and, to be honest, I can’t remember how it started. As I said, these years are blurry snapshots. I kept this a secret for years and years, letting this internal struggle manifest itself in my life. This was present in my life for many years to come and around the age of 16, it become way more severe. I was actively doing things that could kill me and didn’t care. I tried finding every way to hurt myself, my mind and my body.

I learned as I got older that I wasn’t trying to die, I was trying to do something to help physically visualise my mental health struggles. Typing this now, I’m emotional. Thinking of me, so young, feeling so worthless. It breaks my heart. I just wish she could see where we are now.

The Diagnosis

Leading up to this point, I was aware of the depression and anxiety but never realised it incorporated something much more serious. And then, 5 years ago, everything changed. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In my second year of university, I was really struggling. I’d just come out of a tough relationship and was at an all-time low. My friends and family encouraged me to see a doctor and that’s where this all started.

Many appointments later, analysing my symptoms and listening to my history with depression, the GPs and a therapist from my university landed on BPD. It was a weird experience. I felt relieved to know what was going on in my brain, finally being able to put a label on it and work towards improvement. On the other hand, I was overwhelmed and almost ashamed. It’s complicated.

So how did the doctors know I had it? I’ll go over the general symptoms in the next section, but I pretty much met all of them.

I had extreme feelings that could change in a matter of days or even hours. One minute I’d be feeling positive and optimistic about life, the next minute I’d want to end it. And I would go back and forth between the two. I would also get angry and frustrated very easily – I’m still working on this now!

I had, and still have, a weird perception of self-image. I never really knew who I was and was constantly changing. I often felt empty and worthless. Not ever sure what direction I should be taking or if there was any value to my life.

I previously struggled to maintain relationships. For example, I’d date someone for a few months, get bored, and be with someone new within a matter of weeks. It was incredibly toxic. (Happy to say now I’m in the most stable and happy relationship of my life and have been with my partner for a year, go me!)

I, particularly during my teenage years, engaged in a lot of behaviour that was really damaging to me. Constantly putting my life and health and risk to feel something. And, as I spoke about above, I had constant struggles with self-harm and suicide all through my teenage years and into adulthood.

So, What is BPD?

Borderline Personality Disorder, previously known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, is a ‘disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. It’s the most commonly recognised personality disorder‘ (NHS). Those with BPD experience symptoms within 4 main groups;

• Emotional instability
• Disturbed patterns of thinking or perception
• Impulsive behaviour
• Intense but unstable relationships with others

These symptoms generally start in the teenage years and develop into adulthood. To put it simply, those with BPD have extreme emotions and feelings that can fluctuate at intense rates and often struggle in their relationships with other people.

There is also what is referred to as black-and-white thinking. There is a brilliant article linked here that goes over this in detail. To summarise, we see things as one extreme or the other. There is no grey area. For example, got in a fight with your partner? A person with BPD would immediately think ‘Ok this is it, it’s over, they hate me, I’ve ruined the relationship’. Whereas someone without BPD may be a bit more rational and is able to understand that grey area.

If you’d like to do further research into the disorder, please use reliable resources. There are also brilliant blogs, influencers and other people who openly talk about their experiences.

How Am I Doing Now?

I’m almost 24 now, almost 5 years on from my diagnosis, and I’m doing so much better. I can’t sit here and lie and say that I’m completely free of any pain or struggle, that’s far from the truth. This personality disorder is still so present in my life and daily experiences. However, I visualise it as being in the back of my head now. I am no longer ashamed of what I live with every day, and that’s why I’m so proud to be sharing this story today.

My life is like a constant battle with my brain, but every day is a learning curve and I’m constantly working to improve myself. I’d love to do a post soon about how I manage my symptoms and maintain the best mental health I can, let me know if that’s something you’d like to read about.

with love,

becky

Sources:

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/overview/

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