Last week, we tackled the criteria necessary for diagnosis. We explained our personal experiences with each one of the nine symptoms. Today, we will explain more about how we learned to manage these symptoms. Hopefully, some of these mechanisms will help you too.
Keep in mind we’re not therapists, but these are some coping mechanisms we’ve learned through living with BPD and getting treatment for the disorder.
Trigger warning for talks of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, mood swings.
Fear of Abandonment
I’ve found the most effective tool to beating the fear of abandonment is communication. Set your boundaries since the beginning of the relationship, no matter whether it’s familial, platonic or romantic, and don’t be afraid to refresh people’s memory throughout. Tell people what triggers you. For me, not replying to my messages and cancelling plans at the last minute are huge triggers. I tell people I need them to let me know when they’re busy, so I don’t imagine that they’re leaving me. If we have plans and they need to cancel, there will be inevitable disappointment and hurt from my side, which I also communicate to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I would rather have someone not make plans than say “maybe” and then not show up.
Knowing your needs and limits is the first step, applying them is the next one. It is easier said than done, I know. But it is better to feel discomfort for a moment when communicating than to have the cloud of abandonment hanging over you. It is also recognising when a relationship is no longer benefiting you. I’m not saying “leave before they do”, don’t misunderstand my words, but if they’re constantly stepping on your boundaries and not listening to you, it’s time to go.
Unstable Relationships
This one’s tricky. Getting overly attached to someone is still difficult, but avoiding people in general is doing more harm than good. When you feel yourself getting a new favorite person, or having to manage a splitting episode, take a step back. Breath work does wonders for me when I’m trying to pull myself back from reacting in a way that might be destructive to the relationship. But that is only so I can come back to myself, because afterwards there’s still the heightened emotions of the trigger. I’ve found movement works to evacuate the energy instead of lashing out at people. Whether it’s journaling instead of sending long text messages, or going for a walk instead of having a fight, use your body in a healthy way to avoid instability. Take yourself out of your mind and into your physicality.
Once the moment’s passed, it’s important not to let the resentment build. Discuss what triggered you with the other person, but as I said, make sure enough time has passed that you don’t risk having an episode. Making sure your state of mind is stable before proceeding with a touchy conversation can only strengthen the relationship.
Unsteady Self-Image
It might feel like you have to deal with everything on your own, since a lot of the battle we’re facing is internal, but it’s more than okay to ask for help. When I struggle with feelings of not knowing who I am, I count on my friends and family to remind me. It depends on what kind of specific symptom I’m experiencing, as they can be varied, but most of the times it does relieve some of the weight on myself. When I feel like an awful person, I go towards my loved ones and ask them for reassurance. Even when they’re not convincing because BPD is stubborn, it helps to talk it out with someone instead of holding it inside until it turns to self-hate.
When I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the person there, I tend to want to change my appearance in some way or other to find what feels right. In this case, I prioritise damage control. Changing into a new outfit, cutting a little bit of my hair, these are ways I can change my appearance without harm. As long as you don’t hurt yourself, I consider the coping mechanism has done what it’s supposed to.
Self-Harm & Suicidal Behaviours
The best advice I could give here is wait that it passes. Do anything that might distract you. If you’re someone who needs to evacuate the energy physically, go on a walk or a run, do a work-out routine, go cycling. If you don’t have access to the outside, there’s always ways to do physical activity in your home. Often times, I’ve used my pillows as punching bags to avoid harming myself instead. If you’re not much into moving, there is writing. Take a notebook out and write everything that passes through your mind, you’ll notice the intensity will diminish the more you put on the paper and it also works a delayer for harmful thoughts.
Calling a friend if you’re comfortable opening up to them about your thoughts is another option, but make sure they consent to listening because some thoughts may trigger them. Listening to music loud can drown out your thoughts and distract you at the same time. If you’re into creating, occupy your hands with any creative endeavour: paint, draw, make jewelry, sculpt. The options are endless. The purpose of these mechanisms are to distract until the urge is gone.
Extreme Mood Swings
This one is complicated to apply in the moment, since the whole principle of mood swings is that they’re unpredictable. Practicing mindfulness is always a good rule of thumb, but it might not be useful in intense episodes. I try to find the root of the issue by asking myself questions. What triggered the mood swing? What am I feeling specifically? Trying to sit with my emotions, rather than attempt to control them, can already work towards bringing me back to a middle ground. Acknowledge them, feel them, be aware of the space around you, and be kind towards yourself.
It happens that we mess up and we lash out at people, in that case it’s usual to feel an immense amount of guilt. However, we can’t forget this is part of the disorder, and while asking for forgiveness from others is important to maintain relationships, we need to practice the same forgiveness on ourselves. Mood swings are hell to live with, there’s no reason why we should add onto the weight of going through these intense (e)motions.
Chronic Feelings of Emptiness
How do you deal with feeling nothing? That’s the question I ask myself often when I’m feeling numb and empty. I won’t go through the dangers of numb episodes again, but rather how I try to bring my emotions back. My method consists of leaving my house. Leaving an environment that is stagnant can help with bringing back emotion. Taking it slow, I tend to reconnect with nature. I’ll go to a park and unironically touch some grass, observe the trees, listen to the birds, feel the breeze on my skin. Going to the basic senses is what helps me most.
Other than that, I try to meet with friends as they make me happy. Even if it doesn’t work, it’s good to not be alone in these moments and let people be there. Gradually, the feelings will come back. The sun hits my face through the leaves and the warmth envelops me. I see a dog running around and a smile appears on my face. A friend makes an unexpected joke and I’m laughing. Suddenly, I remember what it’s like to be alive again.
Problems with Anger
What I’ve been told by my therapist is that we can’t control our emotions. However, we can control how we react to them. I keep that in mind each time I feel anger creeping up on me. I’d rather not say anything than start a fight. I close my eyes, take a break away from people, and attempt to sit as still as possible. I find that not releasing that anger, and instead taking deep breaths, in and out, diminishes the anger until it’s gone. I can analyse the why later, in the moment it’s about having an appropriate reaction.
Of course, there are many moments when the anger is justified, and this is not saying you should leave it unresolved. However, having an outburst is not the solution. Similar to the mood swings, it’s not unusual to feel guilt after an outburst. It is better to avoid it altogether, and come back later when the emotion is not as urgent.
Loss of Contact with Reality
Finding anything to focus on is my approach. Most of the time, this happens when I’m in public, so I try to focus on a text sign, an object, something small that could bring me back to reality. The method of the five senses is helpful too. I start with sight, then hearing, followed by touch and smell, and lastly taste. Focus on little sensations at first, as to not get overwhelmed by the world once you come back to reality.
Thank you for reading through this article, and hopefully it offered you some mechanisms as to how to proceed when having these symptoms! If you want to read more about the BPD criteria, here’s our article:
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