After a whole week of writing about bisexual awareness, it is time for Bisexual Visibility Day! We asked fellow bi people what they thought people should know about bisexuality, and these are the answers we received.
Inner and Outer Perception When Bisexual
One thing that was on the foreground for me as a bisexual woman was the struggles I faced with imposter syndrome. My attraction to men had always been clear to me and as society and culture taught me, I felt like the “default” was to be straight. When friends and family around me started to come out as queer, I was afraid my attraction to women would just be wanting to feel a part of the community. A sentiment that was going around even back then on social media. I thought to myself that everyone found women incredibly attractive and since I ended up dating a man, I convinced myself to just push it to the side and just call myself “a little bit gay”. Throughout my relationships with men I always thought it was such a shame I never got to experience loving another woman and it was something I kept looking forward to being single for. After two years into my first relationship, I realized that the thought never left my mind and that a straight person probably wouldn’t think about it for four years.
Even now I meet many women who are afraid to come out as bisexual because they aren’t “sure” enough or don’t feel like they have experience enough to be bisexual (the second obviously being fucking bullshit). I think it’s this continuous idea that to be queer you have to prove yourself to be queer enough, I think this happens a lot with pan and bisexual people. A question I tend to ask my not-so-very-straight friends is “does the same sex turn you on?“. Because if the answer is yes, isn’t that all that’s needed? (of course, it’s less clear if the person might be on the asexual spectrum).
I have the privilege where being bisexual doesn’t alter my life in drastic measures. But now the option is there and doesn’t come with anxiety and most of all I feel calmer. I was scared of making the decision for a long time because what if I’m wrong? What if I hurt the community by being an imposter? But that mentality is so counterproductive, give people space to explore! That’s what the queer community and labels are for. I think it’s important to keep talking about it and validate the experience of such a big part of the LGBTQIA+.
Amy, Belgium
People don’t get you’re bi if you dress too feminine, but if you dress too masculine they think you’re a lesbian.
Christine, United Kingdom
Fetishisation and Negative Stereotypes
What I think is important to be known about bisexual people, especially bisexual women is that we don’t want to be fetishised. This response comes typically for straight men who find it as more of a “quirk” rather than a part of my identity. It is not a compliment to call us “adventurous” or assume that we are gonna be sexually more open just because we are bisexual. People need to educate themselves on how to respond to this or realise that they do not need to comment on our sexuality.
Bianka, Romania
I guess it’s mostly that not every bisexual is a slut, or greedy. I mean, I am, but that’s not the point, it’s not because I’m bi. And bisexuals aren’t confused, like we’re not just straight or gay. Basically we’re not just a stereotype.
Alex, Ireland
Misconceptions about Bisexuality
I want people to know that bisexuality isn’t about “two genders” like it might’ve been, that we are attracted to people no matter their gender and that while some people would say that this is pansexuality, some pansexuals would disagree because their definition of it doesn’t match.
Morgane, Belgium
I want people to know that therefore, bisexuals are not obsessed over the gender identity of their partners and are the people that I, a transfeminine person, am the most likely to date because I would be sure that me having more masculine or more feminine traits wouldn’t be a problem since they are attracted to the whole spectrum anyway.
The first thing that goes through my mind even though I’m definitely bisexual and biromantic, is that a lot of people don’t make the difference between romantic attraction, physical attraction and sexual attraction. I know a lot of people don’t feel legitimate to call themselves bi if they don’t have one of them and I wanted to remind people that it is okay and that they are legitimate no matter the type of attraction they are feeling.
Lisa, Belgium
Bisexuals Are Still Bisexual Despite…
When in a committed, long-term (potentially forever) relationship with a person of a certain gender, as someone who is bisexual, I think it’s okay to, in a sense, experience a certain feeling of loss or grief over a life that you could have had. If you are in a homosexual presenting relationship, thinking about and ruminating the possibility that you will always be treated differently because of that relationship and the fact that it might be an “easier” life if you were with a person of the opposite gender can happen and is valid. I think there is also validity in the feeling you can get when you’re in a heterosexual presenting relationship. it’s almost like FOMO centered around queerness and the queer experience.
Personally speaking, I am a bisexual woman who is dating a bisexual man. We are each other first everything—first kiss, first relationship, etc. Neither of us have experienced a same-sex relationship and that is something I feel a loss over. It feels like im not living up to part of my identity in the way that people would think or expect. Now, my boyfriend and I plan on being together for the rest of our lives, so there’s a very large chance neither of us will ever get that kind of experience. And I’m working through those emotions. We’ve both talked about it and our feelings surrounding the situation, and I think that’s what everyone should do if they are experiencing this feeling of loss over “what could have been”. It’s a valid emotion, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner.
Jay, United States
If you’re in a relationship that outwardly doesn’t appear to be queer, doesn’t make you any less queer yourself. If you have a partner of the opposite gender, and they aren’t happy with you being bisexual then leave them at the door or make them work on themselves. it’s fine if you’re inexperienced (with people of the same gender/other genders) it doesn’t change what your identity is and finding queer-first places has been away for me to honour all parts of my identity and find people who do too.
Robyn, Ireland
People are very quick to invalidate bisexuality. If I’m in a relationship with a man, they suddenly think my attraction to women is invalid and vice versa. It makes me feel conscious of my sexuality, despite how secure I am in it. Whether I end up with a man or with a woman, I’ll spend the rest of my life having to explain or validate myself.
Becky, United Kingdom
The Queer Community
I love being bi because I get to be the fullest version of myself. I feel like my sexuality empowers me to live life the way I really want to. It makes me confident to explore with fashion, sometimes more feminine, sometimes more masculine. I love being part of a community where we have common values, interests, culture, music, but also common memes (chronically online, hello). I love the bars, the events, feeling at home being bi in the queer community. I love sharing our gay awakening with my bi friends and talking about being bi with allies.
But I want people to know that, as a woman, just because you’re dating a man, you’re not any less bi. That if you’ve never dated anyone from your gender, you’re not any less bi. That you don’t need to come out if you don’t want to. And I want people to understand that it’s not a phase. I’ve always known. It’s not half and half. Don’t define which gender I like best because this comparison doesn’t even exist in my head.
Zoe, Belgium / Argentina
Keep in mind that even though bisexual awareness week is over, being respectful of bi people and their experiences is an all-year long habit. Biphobia and bi erasure are very much present. As allies of the bisexual community we should make sure bi people feel heard and seen.
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